The Truth of the Gospel
Many articles I write and discussions I have in the blogosphere are academically oriented. This is because I believe Christians shouldn’t surrender their intellect; the more you mine the depths of the Bible, the deeper an impact the truth of Christianity can have on your soul. However, I have noticed these conversations lead me away from the personal nature that characterizes the pursuit of God (and discovering His pursuit of us). I wanted to share a personal story of God’s relentless pursuit of me, and why to me this continues to be deep-seated evidence of His existence and character.
I was always a particularly joyful child. To this day, my friends would tell you today that I enjoy seeing the levity in any situation. But when I was in 3rd grade, my friends decided to abandon me. I became the kid that others ridiculed, because it was easy and safe. My former friends would often take pleasure in making fun of me until I cried. I was held down and beaten until bruised and bloody several times during recess and after school by large groups of students. Yet if I reported a student or a student got punished because of their treatment of me, I knew there would be payback. I was unequivocally isolated in the world where I spent most of my time. I retreated into myself since I felt like I was the only one I could trust. I slowly began to warm to the idea of suicide.
I knew that I was at a place of desperation that manifested itself in my first real cry for help. In 5th grade, I remember being in computer class one day, facing the screen, and saying out loud to no one, “I wonder if anyone would miss me if I was gone.” No one answered, even though I had said it loud enough for the people around me to hear.
Yet at the end of the class, a girl walked up to me: “Mike, I heard what you said earlier, and I wanted you to know that I would miss you if you were gone.”
And in that moment, I knew that suicide was not an option for me. Despite great social risk to herself (associating positively with me) she spoke a word of deep kindness that I now know was the beginning of God bringing me to Himself.
At the time though, I only knew that someone cared. That was only enough to keep me from hurting myself. It did nothing, however, to alleviate the torment I received from my peers. The next four years of my life were highlighted with my vain efforts to make others like me. I migrated toward a group of guys where the primary goal was to make fun of the others better than they could make fun of you. In the land of middle school, we called that friendship. Since I had heard many insults and was relatively sarcastic, I quickly became one of the leaders of this group. I slowly ascended the social ladder until I was finally where I wanted to be by high school. I was on the soccer team, going to parties, and I had a girlfriend that a lot of other guys wanted to date.
Except these social achievements felt so empty. They were a great wax job on a car that would never drive.
I became a Christian at the end of my freshman year in high school, and I knew that emptiness had been filled. So much of what had happened growing up became clear in light of God’s calling me.
For instance, when I became a Christian, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that God had acted in my life before, during that pivotal moment in fifth grade. I had asked Him to show Himself to me, and He did that, and also showed me how He had always been there. I had never been alone, and I never would be. My identity is wrapped up in the one who saved me. So when people ask how I can be a Christian and believe in someone who, as far as they are concerned, is as tangible as Santa Claus, I tell them it is because I have experienced evil and the only reason that I am still alive is because God saved me from within that evil.
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“I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that God had acted in my life before” (Mike)
Ain’t that really the key - the recognition? I think God acts a lot in people’s lives yet they never take the time to notice it. I think when we do - we become very thankful for what was done and what that means…that God cares about us.
It really is a strong statement that God would care about our lives and the problems therein. I almost have to remind myself what that means to hear - since I live with the idea daily - while others do not. There is a sense of empowerment that happens in those words ‘God cares about me’ - it can bring life in certain scenarios. I have felt it in my own - thus the reason I will never leave following after God. No amount of rhetoric can change reality.
I actually find the atheists position rather funny - in my opinion - it must be nice to be them. I didn’t neccesarily come from a place where there was no need for a God - I came from a place that pushes you towards God - He may very well be all you have. I grew up in extreme poverty - abuse - crime - violence - and a hoarde of other problems…there was a need within that scenario for God…whether people like to admit that or not.
great personal story here Mike. I’m glad you decided to stick around
i echo SVS that the recognition is key.
the only critique i would have is to change the title to “The Truth of the Gospel According to Mike” as this is your story. it is both true and factual and amazing. great stuff.
SocietyVs,
I heard of an atheist saying once, “I can argue the finer points of theology, discrepancies in manuscripts, and faulty logic all day. The only thing I cant argue with is a changed life.”
Luke,
“i would have is to change the title to “The Truth of the Gospel According to Mike””
Fair enough, but can we settle on “The Truth of the Gospel Applied?”
After all, I dont want to confuse people 1500 years later into thinking this is an alternate version of the early childhood of Jesus
mt- after meeting you in college and having always known you as a confident leader, witty and strong, it is hard for me to even think of you having a difficult time in middle school. I guess it is easy for me to just assume that you have always been the way you are now. But, alas, time changes things in all of our lives and we are not the people today that we were yesterday (thankfully middle school does not last forever…but then again, neither will our twenties…). I’m so thankful that the Lord is your strength. He is a strength that you can count on, no matter what lies ahead.
Jen,
I always appreciate your encouragement.
It is kinda funny, because people who meet me never expect the kind of childhood I had. It just speaks even more to the power of Jesus to transform lives.
mike,
i am printing out your story to share with my son who will be starting the 5th grade in a few days.
i want him to know the power of a kind word
and i want him to know the power of Christ.
thank you,
jeff
Suicide is something I would really like to explore. I mean, I would really like to learn more about it, about the people who consider it/do it. As one who has considered it on numerous occasions,I think there’s a lot of false information spread around about people who consider it.
I read something once about the bravest adventurers being those who passed death’s door. That made sense to me.
Mike, at what point did you look back on that experience in 5th grade and recognize it as an experience tainted with evil?
Kyle-
I love your openness and willingness to share.
Jeff-
Yes, “Kind words are like honey, nourishing to the body and good for the soul.”, one of my fave proverbs, and in this story, proves true. When I read this story, I thought a lot about middle-schoolers and various bullies that I have had the priveledge of working with/ disciplining as summer camp staff. It is extremely important to teach our children that kind words do more than just build up, they build life, and unkind words do more than make us feel bad, they really tear down and destroy life. Way to go, teach that kiddo!
Mike–
I wonder if you ever told that 5th grade girl from computer class how meaningful her kind words were to you that day.
And back to Kyle–
You ask some good questions, K. As I was trying to think of some Biographies for you, I immediately thought of Judas (Matthew 27:1-5) and how he hanged himself after feeling remorse over betraying Jesus. In my senior project at Truman, I wrote about Nietzsche’s Will to Power as Art and also about this little story by Borges’ called “Three Versions of Judas” and in one of the versions of Judas it showed how Judas was really like a savior because he had to betray Jesus (sacrifice himself in a way) in order for Jesus to die in order to fulfill scripture in order to save the world! It’s just an interesting way to think about it. I love Borges’s book Ficciones… you should check it if you like Philosophy and such.
As much as I love this little story by Borges’, it really has it all wrong and gives me some clues as to why I think some people commit suicide. I have known many people who have shared with me deep regret, remorse, and sorrow over their own perceived failures in life, they do not like themselves and feel that perhaps life would be better for everyone (including themselves) if they weren’t here. That is not true. Indeed it is a vicious lie. As far as failures, we all fall short of what has intended for us to be (Romans 3:23) for Him and He is not here to condemn us for it, but rather to forgive and to give His own life on our behalf, so that we may have full and abundant lives, just as He intended for us in the first place! (John 10:10)
Some people I think want to commit suicide because they feel that it would be easier than living life. Some people see their lives as so difficult and so challenging, that they cannot even find the strength to keep going and they have little hope for a brighter day in the future! This is the saddest for me to hear about, to see, and to know people who feel this way! The Lord is our Hope, the Lord is our Peace, He is our Strength, and He is our Love. To trust Him in His Sovereignty to know the number of our days, to write the stories of our lives…is to live life to the fullest with each day that He grants us breath and heartbeats and friends and family and a whole world full of people to share the blessing of life with!
As far as the topic, there are countless biographies that you could read and counseling books as well, as well as counselors that you could talk to about the topic as well…as well as many people who probably have shared the same struggles. I am amazed to hear this story from MT, but I’m encouraged to know the Lord brought Him through it and he is growing stronger and stronger each day.
Well, the only question I really had was direct to Mike, but thanks, none the less, for the detailed response. I might check out the book you mentioned.
I’ve heard all the standard stuff about suicidal people feeling worthless and bogged down by their perceived mistakes, but I’m thinking more about completely “stable,” confident, strong people who commit suicide. Or who consider it. I’ve not considered suicide in moments of depression or sadness. I might lie in my bed for hours and sigh and wonder aloud, “What’s the point?” but that is not when I’m think about suicide (which is not to say I’m considering committing suicide). I’m usually in a really healthy, good place when I think about it.
I’ve talked to counselors. This isn’t grief or depression speaking. The one I spoke to most recently just sent me away, telling me, “You’re just different, not in turmoil.” i have a feeling he wasn’t top-notch…ha….but my point is this: I want to learn more about the things our culture doesn’t shout to us about suicide.
Anytime the whole of society overwhelmingly tells me something is right or wrong, I want to question it to figure it out for myself. Suicide is one of those things.
Mike,
I can really understand where your our coming from. As a mormon I get ridiculed all the time for my faith. I tell people that it is not all about theology, but rather what God has done for me. Like you he has been with me from a very young age. He has saved me from a similiar despairing situation only to cause me to love him more each day. I am glad that you give weight to feelings and life experience. Most christians I know only want to speak of the lette of the law. I thank God for moving in my life.
Kyle- haha, I see what you’re saying. I’m so glad that you do question things. It’s amazing! I kind of wished that I had asked more questions of you before I chimed in my wonderfully-lengthy response to an inquiry that wasn’t even aimed at me… :)
Jeff,
I am always glad to hear that my story can in some way be used for God’s glory. I hope your son receives it well.
Kyle,
To answer your question, I would say that I always knew what was being done to me was evil. I just began to voice my thoughts that the only way to escape that evil was to end my life, then no one could hurt me anymore. But when that girl told me she would miss me, I guess I realized that hurting someone else so I would feel better (even if it was feeling nothing at all) was cowardly and as evil as what my peers had done to me.
Of course I wasnt fully aware enough at the time to have voiced it that way, but looking back I can honestly say it was super clear that as a result of her words, suicide was not an option on the table. Not one bit.
Justice,
I get the feeling that my story is not all that uncommon. It is a sad thing, but I am glad to hear that you have come through it too. My hope in sharing my story is that others learn to look into their own lives, see the evil that has been done to them, and recognize the truth of what God promises through Joseph that what men intend for evil, God will use for good (Gen 50:20).