The Treasure of You
“Now I know that you’ll always be where I go.” –Plus One, Forever
A bartender at the restaurant where I work said to me this week, “Jen, if you could make out with ANY guy in the WHOLE world, who’d it be?” I just looked at him and started cracking up.
I couldn’t even make eye contact.
So, I ran away in the name of tending to my guests, came back, stared at him and said, “You know, you make me think about stuff!” While scratching my head I honestly confessed, “Well, if you must have an answer, I’ll say to you, my future husband.”
And silence filled the space between us.
“Did you think I was going to actually give you a NAME or something?” I said. He turned back to me and said with a grin, “Well, Jen, there are about three choices for you, either it’s someone I don’t know, or it’s someone famous, or it’s me. So, I’m just going to assume it’s me, and we’ll move on!”
Among some Christians, there is an elusive concept called heart-guarding. My last post expressed my desire to summon the likes of Chuck Norris and his mad-fighting skills to help me with this. In its original context I believe the most quoted heart-guarding verse from Proverbs (Proverbs 4:23) refers to protecting God’s truth inside of one’s heart and safe-guarding the priority of loving Him with all that we are. Growing up in Christian circles, I have heard this idea in the context of protecting oneself in dating relationships. I think the intention of this idea is to protect and honor the marriage relationship and to seek a purity of heart in one’s speech, in one’s action, and in one’s belief.
Let us begin with speech. Words reveal everything. Jane Austen’s novel Sense and Sensibility presents two contrasting characters: Miss Dashwood and Miss MaryAnne. Miss Dashwood represents all that is sensible; she keeps her heart quiet and speaks of her growing affection for Mr. Farris to no one. Throughout the story, she is criticized and lampooned over her friendship with Mr. Farris, yet she says nothing.
Contrastly, Miss MaryAnne, who is courted by Mr. Willowby, is not afraid of showing her affection for him. She shines and delights in Mr. Willowby, and eventually Mr. Willowby does propose — well, he intends to propose – but is sent away on business. He actually doesn’t ever have the opportunity to propose and Miss MaryAnne is so heartbroken that she nearly dies when Willowby decides to marry someone else. Two ways of life and love are showcased side-by-side. It seems to favor the quiet heart given Miss Dashwood’s exhilarating and albeit unexpected happy ending when she does eventually marry Mr. Farris, after several complications and misfortunes.
It is easier for me to be a Miss MaryAnne than it is for me to be a Miss Dashwood. I like to gush my feelings in vivid watercolors on the window of my heart. One thing I can’t ignore is how much I admire the Miss Dashwoods of the world. There seems to be something in her mysterious way of being that speaks to me of wisdom. Perhaps it is in the fact that she does not boast. She puts her confidence in things unseen and not in her feelings, not in Mr. Farris, and not even in gushing. I see in Miss Dashwood a humble and sincere heart, and that is probably just the beginning of this “heart-guarding” thing in the first place.
How can we understand this concept more? What does it actually mean to “guard your heart”? A friend this week reminded me that a guard has discernment. Guarding isn’t all about keeping everything and everybody out, it is about being wise and discerning with what does come near. In its original context, I think that the heart-guarding verse is talking about protecting the source of your life by staying connected to God. How did it ever evolve into the ideas that we have now about dating? Are the two that closely related? What are your thoughts on this matter? How can we explore this topic more?
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You’re in your 20s, aren’t you…?
I’ve known many Christians who were really into the “How to date like a Christian” books, and, frankly, they freaked me out. It seemed like they mostly went on about not dating someone you could not see yourself marrying.
To me, this idea is incredibly unhealthy, but I have lived a fairly torrential life (as far as dating goes), and those mistakes and pitfalls have made the successes all the better, and I have learned loads more about myself through these diverse, broad experiences.
I guess I’m saying that this idea of “heart-guarding” makes sense to me and I think we all do it in different ways. I don’t bring most of my boyfriends and girlfriends to meet my family or even my close friends. That is my wya of guarding my own heart.
It’s probably not really good for me. hehe
TheNorEaster (I like this name!):
Yep, in my twenties and loving every moment! Thanks for asking!
Kyle Kyle,
Could you describe to me a little more how keeping your dates from meeting your fam and friends actually guards your heart? You admit that it is probably not good for you and I’d like to know why you think so. In your mind, what would be ideal as far as the relationship between your friends, your fam, and you and your special someone? What would that look like in your best-case-scenario-dream-world?
Jen
Jen:
Well…I’m glad you like my name! Heh. And, yes, I remember asking questions like yours when I was your age–which probably makes me sound a lot older than I really am, but, hey, you can’t win ‘em all! But, at my age (geez, I’m doing it again!), I have accepted the ways in which I “guard my heart.” That fear, properly balanced by intelligence and wisdom (the former costs nothing, the latter everything), protects us against going where angels fear to tread, in the same way physical pain protects our physical health (which Brad wrote recently wrote about masterfully).
Oddly enough, very rarely have I introduced a female friend to my family and they have not assumed we were romantically involved, which is one reason I don’t really do that anymore. Another reason is, well, I have dated quite a few women whom I knew I simply wasn’t going to marry. You don’t start out with that question, but after a while you certainly find the answer. And that’s what happened.
I do NOT read “Christian dating” books. The thought alone makes me shudder because it implies that you somehow need special instructions for how to be a Christian and how to date, but if you’ve learned to take God with you in the mountains and the valleys then you’re certainly not going to have a problem taking Him with you when you take your special someone out for a night on the town…
…And I’ve REALLY got to get back to my real-life writing! Heh.
Thanks for your time and your comments, TheNorEaster.
I will say that I am interested in reading books about this topic because it is important to look for wisdom and counsel from the older generations. Mostly, I talk about these delicate heart-issues with my mentors who are about 14/15 years older than I am, and then of course, there’s always my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my siblings, and my best gal-pals, and then of course, we pray about it ALL!
I have learned a lot from Elisabeth Elliot about the priority of keeping God first in my heart and in my loves! I think that truly that is what guarding your heart is all about in the first place. From the range of loving my friends, my family, to those odd people in between in the world of maybe, might-be, could-be, should-be, who knows, only the Lord knows-, the in-betweens, keeping the Lord at the forefront helps me to remember to love/respect/honor that individual in whatever ways I can through both the good and the bad, no matter what happens. I hope to write about what I have learned from her at some point. I see her as an upward mentor, and I cherish her godly wisdom.
For now…
So, I will leave at that.
Ohhh, you know, when I say “heart-guarding,” I’m not talking about something necessarily positive or negative. I think people can guard their hearts so much that they become closed to new, vulnerable experiences and relationships. So, when I say I guard my heart by not brigning my lovers into my social circles, I’m not saying this behavior is healthy.
I don’t really have a perfect scenario beyond someone who appreciates me as I am and as I strive to be. Someone who challenges me. Someone who is invested in the same human ideas I am. Someone who makes me laugh? Maybe we’re not speaking the same language, here?
Jen:
I have just one thing to add regarding your quest for wisdom and counsel about relationships. You might not be ready for it, but I’m going to tell you anyway.
Robert Cray. The Soul of the Blues. I think the man is a musical genius, especially when it comes relationships.
If you can, start with his “Strong Persuader” album. Then move up to “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark,” “Midnight Stroll,” “I Was Warned,” and then brace yourself for the sweetest soul music your ears will ever hear, “Take Your Shoes Off.”
If you really want to learn everything there is to know about relationships, Cray’s honesty will floor you. And remember, “Our greatest understanding of human relationships doesn’t come from self-help books or psychologists, but artists.”
Personally, I give Cray top billing. Hands down.
If you do decide to take my advice…BRACE YOURSELF!!!
Thanks for your suggestions, TheNorEaster!
Kyle, I meant what would be the ideal relationship between your parents and your significant other (although I love your descriptions!)? Would you like them to know each other? Get along? Spend time together?
I think that as an aid to the heart-guarding experience, we have the help of the surrounding community. Especially as couples unite in marriage, the wedding ceremony celebrates this so well with the inclusion of bridesmaids, groomsmen, and of course all of the family too! In the church, we of course, have all of our mentors and teachers in the Lord too, so that is mega-helpful!
Jen,
Your emphasis on the community in the midst of heart-guarding is crucial. Too often in the western culture we tend to think of ourselves as islands, and that includes dating relationships as well. But how much better off would we all be if we actually relied on the community in the midst of our relationships, dating as well as marriage?
Mike,
Yes, yes, from beginning to end, each of us needs all of the others. Whether we be single, married, or somewhere in between, the accountability and loving support and counsel that can be found within community is irreplaceable. This is not only for the purpose of sharing each other’s burdens and mourning with each other in the event of a break-up, divorce, or death of a spouse, but also in the times of great joy including engagement, marriage, birth of a child, and so on. These events are often celebrated in community, but one thing that I think we tend to do is we forget our need for help with just the day-to-day. This is why I love mentoring relationships because they can create a regular time of walking side-by-side.
These comments about the importance of community got me to thinking about how difficult things can become when we try to walk it alone, all by ourselves! So, I wrote it into a little song…
What if we were islands?
“What would the world be like if no one needed the others?
If babies could feed themselves alone without their mothers.
If children could play and run away, and never see their fathers.
What if?
What if there were no lovers?
Just you and your island bliss,
all alone with your lonely lips,
and no one else to kiss!
OH NOOOOO!
Would we need parks or loveseats or even four-door cars? Would the world be oh-so-different if there were no bars?
No need to be together or even say, “Hello!”
Just “Go Away! I don’t need you!
I can do it all alone.”
If homes were dark and never hosted parties.
If people didn’t marry till their fifties!
Retirement meant going on safari
or hiking in the mountains all alone.
Now tell me what would happen to the telephone?
The bronzy sands and seashore–
waves rush back and forth.
And nothing really happens….
A sunny day in fact, and totally alone…
with sunburn on your back,
and no one with aloe.
So one day two brave sailors and pirates in revenge
will not want to be islands…
but rather BE FRIENDS!”